Tales from Paradise {i}

Every time I venture into Paradise, where my stylist/groomer lives and operates her style salon, I always end up hearing the most outrageous discussions. There is no one who can spin a yarn or labrish like ghetto people. Or hairdressers. Luckily, my trips to Paradise have both.

The last time I went, the discussion between my groomer, V and one of her guy friends, YP turned to the topic of virginity.

V made a comment about how you could always tell when a boy lost his virginity. He starts walking taller and acting like him big.

“One time mi son fren come over,” she began, “and mi notice him a ak one way, and him tell J seh him have sum’n fi tell him.” She laughed. “So mi ongle hear J shout out, and when mi ask him wha’pn him seh ‘Mummy, da one ya too big fi yu’.” She laughed again and continued re-tightening my locks.

“But ah dat fi hap’n,” YP said to her. This after mentioning shamelessly that he uses the date of his ‘first sex’ to remember the birthday of one of his many women.

“Man cyaan a lose him virginity when him ah 35 an 40. Dem time deh di woman jus a come in har own. Him a miss out.” He was so passionate about this topic, I tried not to laugh. But I failed when he continued with,

“And di woman dem, by time dem reach 35 all dem breast deh dung a grung – who a go waan dat?”

“So nuh di same way mi have a frien,” V interjected, “who a 28 and her husban a 35 and di two a dem a did virgin when dem get married.”

[YP did kiss him teeth here so]

“Mi jus tell har fi tell mi whe di wedding night a go be,” V continued with mirth, “caw mi waan come prips and see wha dem a go do.” She dissolved into fits of laughter.

“All man wha reach 40 and nuh have a youth,” YP continued to lament. “Cho, man, dem jus lucky seh man can have pickney all when him a 90. But di woman dem egg nuh dry up long time.”

I was outright laughing by now.

“Ah egg powder,” V added. “Ah nuh egg again, ah egg powder now.”

If I wasn’t in a chair, I’d have been on the floor. YP continued to complain about not wanting to sleep with virgins, and when V asked him why, he was quite determined in his response.

“Dem too clingy and emotionally needy. Dem a go be too curious bout all kind a tings an odda man buddy an cho, it just nah go nice.”

As V nodded in agreement, I didn’t bother to think about the cultural heritage and socialization we’ve inherited to get entertaining discussions like this one. I could only sit back and enjoy the repartee.

Trying something new with this. Tell me if you like the story thing and I’ll keep the anecdotes coming!

6 thoughts on “Tales from Paradise {i}

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