Open secret: Halloween is an excuse for  15 year olds to dress up as legal adults.

Kingston’s Halloween parties are crawling with neon phalluses wielded by tiny lesbians and curvy brunettes wishing they were Mila Jovovich a la The Fifth Element. Also, an inordinate amount of dubstep. Which is good for nodding an appendage, but rather awkward to dance to. Alice and a couple ninja!white rabbits seemed to think so too because the crowd started calling for slacker music i.e. music with actual lyrics.

The first thing out of her mouth after the introductions are over is, “I thought you were over here doing coke.”

I like to think I imagined the hint of disappointment in her voice.

She shrugs over our bewildered laughter. “I mean this being Pilleaters* and all. And then she was rubbing her nose, so I expected to see it cut up on the table.

“Don’t do coke,” she adds. She points at her friend (who’s with us). “He’s gonna do coke.” We laugh uncertainly again. “Don’t let him make you do coke,” she says to his girlfriend, and then disappears to eat, drink and prop up a support beam for the rest of the night.

I have to wonder these days if people know that the point of Halloween as a festival was to scare ghosts away, not give them STIs. Or maybe evil spirits will be terrified of stronger spirits and the thought of a coyote ugly morning after.

protip: you should always know exactly what you’re drinking.

secret: no one ever does.

I believe you should have the kind of relationship with alcohol that always leaves you wanting more. Alcohol shouldn’t be the abusive lover; alcohol should be the mistress you call up at 3am when you’re alone and horny. Alcohol shouldn’t be the solution to your unhealthy relationship; on the other hand, if alcohol is your only unhealthy relationship then you’re pretty much golden.

But I’m just glad my mouth has stopped feeling like tequila’s bitch.

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* –  names changed to protect myself from lawsuits.