Comparisons and Confidence

This post brought to you by Procrastinating on my Surgery Case Notes.

Catching up on the blogs I’ve been ignoring has left me with deep-seated feelings of insecurity. Why can’t I write as well as she does? is the question that flies around my head, torturing me and then infecting the wounds. How come I’m not as popular as she is? As interesting as she is? Why am I not good enough? 

I whine a lot, yes. But this is only one facet of my insecurities. I feel this way about pretty much every aspect of my life – school, dance, you name it. I always feel less than adequate. The only difference is that I keep on pushing with those things. With writing and blogging, it’s entirely too easy for me to cover my head with a blanket and stay in the left lateral position until I don’t feel so bad any more. I don’t work through the insecurity. And I should.

If I run away every time I’m confronted with a problem, or with something I don’t feel strong enough to take on, then I’ll never become strong enough to do it. Or good enough. Or ever feel like I’m good enough. I tell myself to fake confidence until I have it, and so far it has been working.

(Seriously, people keep telling me how confident they think I am and I’m just like ME? The girl who used to hide in the bathroom and cry all the time? The girl who used to make lists of her imperfections?).

I can’t continue to get discouraged every time I read a blog that makes me laugh/cry/think. Because as much as these writers are all super-talented and were probably born that way, they also have way more experience than I do, both in terms of age and occupation. So I may not find myself clever enough or interesting enough at this stage, but maybe in the next decade or so people will be thinking that I am super-talented and was probably born that way.